checking out

right before my birthday, I was thinking about checking out of this place called life......wanted to see my dad and unresolved issues with another family memeber left me feeling no need to stay.....so I went and got help and now am trying to work on the problems but some problems I guess I cant just "workout" I must supress and move on I guess.......funny thing I dont want to die yet because I have a mental disorder I sometimes want to "checkout". I dont really understand why but it is what it is.......My mental disorder is Bipolar 1 with anxiety, which is the more serious form of Bipolar disorders......sucks but I have no choice but face the struggles of these disorders everyday.....most people dont know that about me or about Bipolar in general, it doesnt just go away with meds......I must actively work with it on a day to day basis, every new thing to happen to me also happens with the Bipolar, which makes seemingly easy things to do a mountainis task for me.........anyway just doing a little public journaling

Anxiety

I have an anxiety disorder that only seems to get worse as I get older. Also the more things I have going on in my life the more I am affected by the anxiety. Right now I am having a full blown anxiety attack, I have already taken my medication and its not helping, so I am left battling it alone. I am the only one awake at my house and I feel this is driving me crazy. I know I wont sleep tonight like most nights but tonight its worse because of this anxiety I am having. The worst part about it is I know the cause and I cant get it to go away and it wont go away for a few months. I don't know how long I can live with this anxiety inside me. Sometimes I feel it would be easier if I was gone....at the same time I want to live, but this anxiety is just so horrible! I feel I could end up doing something crazy if it does not go away.....I wish I had someone to help make it go away right now