Idea

So yeah I know, nobody reads this but its kinda like journaling so I will post every now and then. So think is not the second part to my dads death, havent been in the mood to write out the rest but I will. This is an idea that came to me and I dont know if anything will come outta if or not but I think it would be really cool to do. So in honor of my dad and help people not end up like my dad did, I would like to start saving money, funding raising, maybe doing a craft sale, or something, to provide information, financail, and some after leaving the hospital care for heart patients that live alone on limited income or just all around need some additonal help that they cannot get on there own. Everytime I think of how my dad died I cant help but think that if I knew more then what the dr's told me, or if my dad had some other resources then maybe he would still be alive or atleast not have died alone at his home. I do not believe he should have been sent home by himself and there are tons of things that the dr's didnt say or do that they could have. Oh and another thing I would like to do is help people get there meds as soon as they leave the hospital. See the hospital new my dads condition and that is runs in the fam and that his dad died young and knew that when my dad left he had no way to get his meds right away. He had to wait until the next day and I had to driving him to anrbor and wait all day for him to finally get his meds. Now if I could save enough money I could buy those meds for someone else in a similar situation. Anyway its just an idea, I dont even have a job right now so I definatly wont be pursing this anytime soon, but maybe in the future if thats the way God leads me.

My dads death (the whole story) part 1

On I think it was May 7th my dad took himself to the ER for chest pain. I found this out after he had already left. He said it was just probably a chest cold or something of that nature. Well I decided I better go to the hospital just to make sure. So me and Dan (my bf) dropped the kids off at a b-day party and headed to the hospital (30-45min drive) and when we got there my dad was still being tested for things that could possibly be wrong. So we stayed in the room with him and I remember as he had the chest pain he would sit up and grab his chest, with pure pain in his face. I never saw my dad in so much pain before, but I keep telling myself it was nothing serious. We keep conversation light and happy as we waited.

The nursing returned to the room after several blood test and what not and said something I never wanted to hear. He told us my dad was having a heart attack and that he couldn't tell us to much until other test were done. As he stood there talking to us it took everything I had not to burst out in tears because as soon as he said the words heart attack I was fear stricken. After he left I quickly excused myself to the hallway, where for the first time I cried. Dan held me as I cried. Once I pulled myself together, we made a few calls to update my family. And back to the room we went, to sit by his side. We talked and joked as if nothing bad were happening, even though we all new that is was a serious thing. After a bit they told us they had no room there and would have to transfer him to a near by hospital (about 4-5mins away).

Again with the titles (dont really have one)

I was just thinking for the past couple days about people. There are people that are so upset and wine and have self pity parties all the time, and I look and see what it is that is so horrible (no to make light of their situations) but most of the time its the things that are truly insignificant at the end of the day. No one has died! The worst thing that can happen to someone is death, they may think this or that/him or her leaving is the worst thing but really ask yourself is? Look at it like this in those situations where nobody has died you could at least tell yourself that every ones ok, that you could still talk to the person, IT IS STILL POSSIBLE. I lost my dad and I wine and am depressed a lot and I know I need to look at all the things I still have and everything he has givin me such as my life and I need to make use of that a live the life I knew he would want for me.

So to pull this all together, when you havent truly lost someone, you should feel greatful that they still breath. They still live under the same sun and moon as you do. It is still possible for you to see said person. Unlike the people who are dead all you have left to see is a grave marker. And for the other people who act so oh poor me cause I cant find a guy that is good to me suck it up, stop looking like a spineless person who has to beg for attention from the living when you are perfectly capable of finding the attention you desire if you just open your eyes and look around you.

Anyway I just kinda wanted to bitch a little about a few people that are getting on my last nerves.

Poem-untitled by Ashlee SaintJames

what if I were to die tomorrow

would your aggravations, hostility, and selfishness turn to sorrow

not a chance to make things right

only the sadness left at night

hostility and anger would surely

change to pain and wonder

what if I were to die tomorrow

would you shed one tear for me

or would you just leave everything be

would you want to live with regeret

for your selfish ways that you let

ruin a friendship

a kinship

heartache and pain are whats ahead

if I were to die tomorrow

because deep down I know you still have

a heart that is kind and still care's

by Ashlee SaintJames

Poem-Where Were You At by Ashlee SaintJames

Where Were You At

where were you at when I was lost

where were you at when I was scared

I feared for the day when you would not be there

when I was all alone you promised you'd be home

so where were you at when I was all alone

I tried to call your name

I tried to call your house

you could not hear me

cause you were no where to be found

so where were you at when I was on the phone

I have just one more question

now please tell me why

why did you leave me when I was all alone

by Ashlee SaintJames

I can love you but.......

I can love you, and do what I think is best but I cant force you to be reasonable or nice. I was never given the chance to comply with YOUR wishes without hostility and pain. Although I love you dearly I must let you go. Had you come to me and ask without the attitude and lies I would have no problem working things out. But you fired at me so I fired back, know all I really care about is where my heart is at. Money and objects mean little to me when it comes to my family, but I will not take the threats and trash talking lightly. It maybe settled but the scars are still there. One day I hope to get back what we have, but there are somethings I will never forget. The words maybe deleted but forever stuck in my head. And oh yeah your no better then anyone else including me so stop acting that way. Atleast I am taking care of my resopsiblities. Like I said I love you but I must let you go.........

The Man in the Glass by Unknown

When you get what you want in your struggles for self

And the world makes you king for a day,

Just go to a mirror and look at yourself

And see what the man has to say.

For it isnt your father or mother or wife

Whose judgement upon you must pass,

The fellow whos verdict counts most in your life

Is the one staring back from the glass.

Some people might think your a straight-shooting chum

And call you a wonderful guy.

But the man in the glass says your only a bum

If you cant look him straight in the eye.

Hes the fellow to please, never mind all the rest

For hes with you clear to the end

And you passed your most dangerous test

If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may have fooled the whole world down the pathway of years

And get pats on your back as you pass

But your final reward will be heartache and tears

If you cheated the man in the glass.

one scoop to many

just a note before I start....I will be posting poetry I wrote soon


Ok life is like and ice cream bowl or an ice cream cone which ever you like better. Well mine is a bowl, its filled with all different kinds of people, experinces, problems, stresses, ect. I the different kinds of people are like the different flavors, the different kinds of things are like the kind (soft serve, regular store bought, even blizzards). In my bowl I seem to have some coffee flavored ice cream (I dont like it, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth), it acutally started out like vanilla carmel (my fav) but then it turned to coffee over time almost like it spoiled. I am trying to scoop it outta my bowl without letting it touch my other flavors that much. Now on to the things I have the regular store bought and its scooped in. I lost my Dad thats like a enough scoops to fill the bowl on its own, then there is some other family that is sick so toss in a few more scoops. Then the vanilla carmel turned to coffee and multiplied in the amount of scoops and put in one scoop to many. Now that my bowl has one scoop to many I must get rid of some. Not because I am afraid but because its too much to bear. I love that ice cream but it got to be too much and of a nasty flavor. You can only fill my bowl so full before I have had enough. Lets get the coffee out and leave everything as is and make no more of it.


This was just a silly little post on my life as a bowl of ice cream......LOL

parts of a couple of songs

when can my heart beat again

when does the pain ever end

when does the tears stop from running over

when does the you'll get over it begin

when can I see you again

when can my heart beat again

when can I see you again

and when can I breath once again

and when can I see you again

when does my someday begin

when I'll find a way to move on

and what if I am not truly over

what and I suppost to do then

Everyday I wake up

I hope I am dreamin

cant believe this shit

cant believe you aint here

Life aint always what its seems to be

words cant express what you mean to me

In the future cant wait to see

If you open up the gates for me

Reminice sometime, the day I saw you there

try to black it out but it plays again

when its real, feelings hard to conceal

cant imagine all the pain I feel

give anything to hear half your breath

I know your still living your life, after death

Its kinda hard with you not around

Know you in heaven smilin down

watching us while we pray for you

everyday we pray for you

til the day we meet again

In my heart is where I will keep you dad

memories give me the strength I need to proceed

strength I need to believe

wish I could turn back the hands of time

I still cant believe your gone

Jealousy (remix)....song by paris hilton

I thought you were my bestfriend

I felt we'd be together til the end

Your not the girl I once knew

Tell me where she is cause shes not you

You used to be that shoulder

that shoulder I could lean on thru it all

But now its getting colder

There's no love between these walls

Jealousy, Jealousy, Jealousy

It's such an evil thing to watch someone have

Jealousy, Jealousy, Jealousy

Nobody wins when your full of envy

I was always happy

When I was watchin you achieve it all

But you were only happy

When all I could do was fall

And now I'm like the devil

Well, if I am what does that make you

You sold yourself for your friends

You'd still never walk a day in my shoes

Jealousy, Jealousy, Jealousy

It's such an evil thing to watch someone have

Jealousy, Jealousy, Jealousy

Nobody wins when your full of envy

I only wanted to do what was right

Everything I did, I did because I cared

So how did all the good between us turn so bad?

Maybe someday we will get back what we had

Jealousy, Jealousy, Jealousy

It's such an evil thing to watch someone have

Jealousy, Jealousy, Jealousy

Nobody wins when your full of envy

I dont like titles....I am not good at thinking of a title

I am have shared to much, but sometimes you feel like people forced the info out. Its hard to not tell the truth when someone keeps questioning you and then ask why you did what you did. I dont want anyone to be mad at anyone, but the words have already been spoken. I anger has aready been spread...just have to hold on thru the storm. God wouldnt give me more then I can handle but boy I wish I had the faith in me that he does. Sorry to everyone I may have hurt sorry to everyone who doesnt deserve it.


Some people think they are so much better then others when really they are the ones who are weak, poor, souless, and lost. I believe everybody is created equal, nobody is better then anyone else. However when you walk around with your nose in the air and treat others as if they are beneath you, it show that there really are people that are better then others. Because when you treat others that way it shows that they are in actuallity less then the people they treat bad.

Always remember at the end of the day family is all you have, you shouldnt have turned your back.

Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye when you cant actually say goodbye. Letting go and moving on are things I have yet to learn. I miss my dad everyday, and dont know how to make "life after dad" work for me. I feel as though I am stuck in the past, to be more specific I feel I am stuck on the day my dad passed away. My heartbreaks like it was today, my tears run like I just found out. How do I say goodbye when heres no here to hear me and say goodbye back. Would like to wake up tomorrow and put the past in the past and learn to live a new day, but the pain wont dull. People say it will get better in time or that its already been two months so I should move on. But how long is "in time" and how do I move on? Oh how I miss my dad. I could have never guessed I would be this effected by the death of a loved one. I am turning to the one person I know has the answers and the one person who has the power to ease my pain and thats God. I bought a book and a new bible I am going to start reading. I pray to God to please stop the pain. Some how let me say goodbye to my dad.

"ramdom"

I got to thinking the other night about who people turn to in their time of need, the time they need comfort. Some people turn to the family they have known and have loved and been loved by their whole lives, while others turn to so called friends and turn their backs to their family. They drive a wedge between themselves and the family who cared so deeply for them and now is baffled by the extreme actions they have taken or spoke of. Just things you dont say to a family you love. Funny how friends could take president over family, for some people. I guess that would be understandable if it was a hate full family but not a loving one, an excepting one, one that has faults and makes mistakes but can admit it. Those people just get a feeling that they are way more then what they really are. To good to be a part of that family so they must find these "better" people. Now I am not judging I am just stating things the way I see them.....if thats the kinda of person they want to be then thats fine I dont have to live with being them they do. Remeber God doesnt want us to judge others, and nobody is better then anyone else.

the heart ache of a daughter

I cry alot because I love you, because I miss you, because you loved me. I miss you more then words can say. Now that your gone I dont know how to move forward only stand in place. I dont know that the pain will ever go away. I wish I had one more day to say I love you, to give you a hug. Everything you used to do is everything I miss.....how can the person that broke my heart the most be my own father, why did he have to die. I know your in a better place but my selfish ways want you back. I will always have an emptiness that never will be filled. I hope I make you proud of how I am haddling things and what I am doing. What I wouldnt give to just say goodbye.

I love you dad

RIP
Daniel A SaintJames
1-30-54 to 5-19-10

starting over......

I am starting over with this blog thing....there are things I really need to talk about but cant anywhere else, people in my life turning out to be people I dont really know that I thought I knew my whole life.....I guess people change, what I would like to say to that person is I may love you but I dont have to like you....will be posting another blog later that will explain more into this one.....this is just a starter

til next time