My dads death (the whole story) part 1

On I think it was May 7th my dad took himself to the ER for chest pain. I found this out after he had already left. He said it was just probably a chest cold or something of that nature. Well I decided I better go to the hospital just to make sure. So me and Dan (my bf) dropped the kids off at a b-day party and headed to the hospital (30-45min drive) and when we got there my dad was still being tested for things that could possibly be wrong. So we stayed in the room with him and I remember as he had the chest pain he would sit up and grab his chest, with pure pain in his face. I never saw my dad in so much pain before, but I keep telling myself it was nothing serious. We keep conversation light and happy as we waited.

The nursing returned to the room after several blood test and what not and said something I never wanted to hear. He told us my dad was having a heart attack and that he couldn't tell us to much until other test were done. As he stood there talking to us it took everything I had not to burst out in tears because as soon as he said the words heart attack I was fear stricken. After he left I quickly excused myself to the hallway, where for the first time I cried. Dan held me as I cried. Once I pulled myself together, we made a few calls to update my family. And back to the room we went, to sit by his side. We talked and joked as if nothing bad were happening, even though we all new that is was a serious thing. After a bit they told us they had no room there and would have to transfer him to a near by hospital (about 4-5mins away).

Again with the titles (dont really have one)

I was just thinking for the past couple days about people. There are people that are so upset and wine and have self pity parties all the time, and I look and see what it is that is so horrible (no to make light of their situations) but most of the time its the things that are truly insignificant at the end of the day. No one has died! The worst thing that can happen to someone is death, they may think this or that/him or her leaving is the worst thing but really ask yourself is? Look at it like this in those situations where nobody has died you could at least tell yourself that every ones ok, that you could still talk to the person, IT IS STILL POSSIBLE. I lost my dad and I wine and am depressed a lot and I know I need to look at all the things I still have and everything he has givin me such as my life and I need to make use of that a live the life I knew he would want for me.

So to pull this all together, when you havent truly lost someone, you should feel greatful that they still breath. They still live under the same sun and moon as you do. It is still possible for you to see said person. Unlike the people who are dead all you have left to see is a grave marker. And for the other people who act so oh poor me cause I cant find a guy that is good to me suck it up, stop looking like a spineless person who has to beg for attention from the living when you are perfectly capable of finding the attention you desire if you just open your eyes and look around you.

Anyway I just kinda wanted to bitch a little about a few people that are getting on my last nerves.

Poem-untitled by Ashlee SaintJames

what if I were to die tomorrow

would your aggravations, hostility, and selfishness turn to sorrow

not a chance to make things right

only the sadness left at night

hostility and anger would surely

change to pain and wonder

what if I were to die tomorrow

would you shed one tear for me

or would you just leave everything be

would you want to live with regeret

for your selfish ways that you let

ruin a friendship

a kinship

heartache and pain are whats ahead

if I were to die tomorrow

because deep down I know you still have

a heart that is kind and still care's

by Ashlee SaintJames

Poem-Where Were You At by Ashlee SaintJames

Where Were You At

where were you at when I was lost

where were you at when I was scared

I feared for the day when you would not be there

when I was all alone you promised you'd be home

so where were you at when I was all alone

I tried to call your name

I tried to call your house

you could not hear me

cause you were no where to be found

so where were you at when I was on the phone

I have just one more question

now please tell me why

why did you leave me when I was all alone

by Ashlee SaintJames

I can love you but.......

I can love you, and do what I think is best but I cant force you to be reasonable or nice. I was never given the chance to comply with YOUR wishes without hostility and pain. Although I love you dearly I must let you go. Had you come to me and ask without the attitude and lies I would have no problem working things out. But you fired at me so I fired back, know all I really care about is where my heart is at. Money and objects mean little to me when it comes to my family, but I will not take the threats and trash talking lightly. It maybe settled but the scars are still there. One day I hope to get back what we have, but there are somethings I will never forget. The words maybe deleted but forever stuck in my head. And oh yeah your no better then anyone else including me so stop acting that way. Atleast I am taking care of my resopsiblities. Like I said I love you but I must let you go.........

The Man in the Glass by Unknown

When you get what you want in your struggles for self

And the world makes you king for a day,

Just go to a mirror and look at yourself

And see what the man has to say.

For it isnt your father or mother or wife

Whose judgement upon you must pass,

The fellow whos verdict counts most in your life

Is the one staring back from the glass.

Some people might think your a straight-shooting chum

And call you a wonderful guy.

But the man in the glass says your only a bum

If you cant look him straight in the eye.

Hes the fellow to please, never mind all the rest

For hes with you clear to the end

And you passed your most dangerous test

If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may have fooled the whole world down the pathway of years

And get pats on your back as you pass

But your final reward will be heartache and tears

If you cheated the man in the glass.

one scoop to many

just a note before I start....I will be posting poetry I wrote soon


Ok life is like and ice cream bowl or an ice cream cone which ever you like better. Well mine is a bowl, its filled with all different kinds of people, experinces, problems, stresses, ect. I the different kinds of people are like the different flavors, the different kinds of things are like the kind (soft serve, regular store bought, even blizzards). In my bowl I seem to have some coffee flavored ice cream (I dont like it, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth), it acutally started out like vanilla carmel (my fav) but then it turned to coffee over time almost like it spoiled. I am trying to scoop it outta my bowl without letting it touch my other flavors that much. Now on to the things I have the regular store bought and its scooped in. I lost my Dad thats like a enough scoops to fill the bowl on its own, then there is some other family that is sick so toss in a few more scoops. Then the vanilla carmel turned to coffee and multiplied in the amount of scoops and put in one scoop to many. Now that my bowl has one scoop to many I must get rid of some. Not because I am afraid but because its too much to bear. I love that ice cream but it got to be too much and of a nasty flavor. You can only fill my bowl so full before I have had enough. Lets get the coffee out and leave everything as is and make no more of it.


This was just a silly little post on my life as a bowl of ice cream......LOL