checking out

right before my birthday, I was thinking about checking out of this place called life......wanted to see my dad and unresolved issues with another family memeber left me feeling no need to stay.....so I went and got help and now am trying to work on the problems but some problems I guess I cant just "workout" I must supress and move on I guess.......funny thing I dont want to die yet because I have a mental disorder I sometimes want to "checkout". I dont really understand why but it is what it is.......My mental disorder is Bipolar 1 with anxiety, which is the more serious form of Bipolar disorders......sucks but I have no choice but face the struggles of these disorders everyday.....most people dont know that about me or about Bipolar in general, it doesnt just go away with meds......I must actively work with it on a day to day basis, every new thing to happen to me also happens with the Bipolar, which makes seemingly easy things to do a mountainis task for me.........anyway just doing a little public journaling

Anxiety

I have an anxiety disorder that only seems to get worse as I get older. Also the more things I have going on in my life the more I am affected by the anxiety. Right now I am having a full blown anxiety attack, I have already taken my medication and its not helping, so I am left battling it alone. I am the only one awake at my house and I feel this is driving me crazy. I know I wont sleep tonight like most nights but tonight its worse because of this anxiety I am having. The worst part about it is I know the cause and I cant get it to go away and it wont go away for a few months. I don't know how long I can live with this anxiety inside me. Sometimes I feel it would be easier if I was gone....at the same time I want to live, but this anxiety is just so horrible! I feel I could end up doing something crazy if it does not go away.....I wish I had someone to help make it go away right now

Idea

So yeah I know, nobody reads this but its kinda like journaling so I will post every now and then. So think is not the second part to my dads death, havent been in the mood to write out the rest but I will. This is an idea that came to me and I dont know if anything will come outta if or not but I think it would be really cool to do. So in honor of my dad and help people not end up like my dad did, I would like to start saving money, funding raising, maybe doing a craft sale, or something, to provide information, financail, and some after leaving the hospital care for heart patients that live alone on limited income or just all around need some additonal help that they cannot get on there own. Everytime I think of how my dad died I cant help but think that if I knew more then what the dr's told me, or if my dad had some other resources then maybe he would still be alive or atleast not have died alone at his home. I do not believe he should have been sent home by himself and there are tons of things that the dr's didnt say or do that they could have. Oh and another thing I would like to do is help people get there meds as soon as they leave the hospital. See the hospital new my dads condition and that is runs in the fam and that his dad died young and knew that when my dad left he had no way to get his meds right away. He had to wait until the next day and I had to driving him to anrbor and wait all day for him to finally get his meds. Now if I could save enough money I could buy those meds for someone else in a similar situation. Anyway its just an idea, I dont even have a job right now so I definatly wont be pursing this anytime soon, but maybe in the future if thats the way God leads me.

My dads death (the whole story) part 1

On I think it was May 7th my dad took himself to the ER for chest pain. I found this out after he had already left. He said it was just probably a chest cold or something of that nature. Well I decided I better go to the hospital just to make sure. So me and Dan (my bf) dropped the kids off at a b-day party and headed to the hospital (30-45min drive) and when we got there my dad was still being tested for things that could possibly be wrong. So we stayed in the room with him and I remember as he had the chest pain he would sit up and grab his chest, with pure pain in his face. I never saw my dad in so much pain before, but I keep telling myself it was nothing serious. We keep conversation light and happy as we waited.

The nursing returned to the room after several blood test and what not and said something I never wanted to hear. He told us my dad was having a heart attack and that he couldn't tell us to much until other test were done. As he stood there talking to us it took everything I had not to burst out in tears because as soon as he said the words heart attack I was fear stricken. After he left I quickly excused myself to the hallway, where for the first time I cried. Dan held me as I cried. Once I pulled myself together, we made a few calls to update my family. And back to the room we went, to sit by his side. We talked and joked as if nothing bad were happening, even though we all new that is was a serious thing. After a bit they told us they had no room there and would have to transfer him to a near by hospital (about 4-5mins away).

Again with the titles (dont really have one)

I was just thinking for the past couple days about people. There are people that are so upset and wine and have self pity parties all the time, and I look and see what it is that is so horrible (no to make light of their situations) but most of the time its the things that are truly insignificant at the end of the day. No one has died! The worst thing that can happen to someone is death, they may think this or that/him or her leaving is the worst thing but really ask yourself is? Look at it like this in those situations where nobody has died you could at least tell yourself that every ones ok, that you could still talk to the person, IT IS STILL POSSIBLE. I lost my dad and I wine and am depressed a lot and I know I need to look at all the things I still have and everything he has givin me such as my life and I need to make use of that a live the life I knew he would want for me.

So to pull this all together, when you havent truly lost someone, you should feel greatful that they still breath. They still live under the same sun and moon as you do. It is still possible for you to see said person. Unlike the people who are dead all you have left to see is a grave marker. And for the other people who act so oh poor me cause I cant find a guy that is good to me suck it up, stop looking like a spineless person who has to beg for attention from the living when you are perfectly capable of finding the attention you desire if you just open your eyes and look around you.

Anyway I just kinda wanted to bitch a little about a few people that are getting on my last nerves.

Poem-untitled by Ashlee SaintJames

what if I were to die tomorrow

would your aggravations, hostility, and selfishness turn to sorrow

not a chance to make things right

only the sadness left at night

hostility and anger would surely

change to pain and wonder

what if I were to die tomorrow

would you shed one tear for me

or would you just leave everything be

would you want to live with regeret

for your selfish ways that you let

ruin a friendship

a kinship

heartache and pain are whats ahead

if I were to die tomorrow

because deep down I know you still have

a heart that is kind and still care's

by Ashlee SaintJames

Poem-Where Were You At by Ashlee SaintJames

Where Were You At

where were you at when I was lost

where were you at when I was scared

I feared for the day when you would not be there

when I was all alone you promised you'd be home

so where were you at when I was all alone

I tried to call your name

I tried to call your house

you could not hear me

cause you were no where to be found

so where were you at when I was on the phone

I have just one more question

now please tell me why

why did you leave me when I was all alone

by Ashlee SaintJames